What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 09:59
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why do British people always write "xxx" after their names?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I have no regrets .
Why am I not getting any atheists to debate with? Are they scared?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She married twice! .
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I will be 64.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Put me off passion for life!!
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My boyfriend won’t tell me his past and it hurts me so I broke up with him what do I do?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ive learnt so much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Comes on , in middle age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My family never makes their pension either.
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I could never make a relationship work though!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
It was going to be , some day.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I said to her
All the time i was locked up.
I was very sick at this time too.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!